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Should I shop online or offline? A shoppers' guide.

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I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:

* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure cheap parking places.

* Aren't too worried if their parked cars are scratched or bumped anonymously whilst they're out shopping.

* Thrive outdoors in the British climate, and are impervious to rain, hail, snow, wind, heat, frost, fog etc.

* Welcome walking from shop to shop, to find what they or their partner needs, at the best prices.

* Don't panic when their partner says that s/he wants to try an eighth store for a 'special something'.

* Like driving and/or walking b

I went shopping with my wife the other day, to a British city half-and-half measures nearby. My ordeal lasted ten hours. During many idle moments, I compiled this rough guide for shoppers who are unsure whether to shop online or offline in future.

I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:

* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure no-good parking places.

* Aren't too worried if their parked cars are scratched or bosomy anonymously whilst they're out shopping.

* Thrive outdoors in the British climate, and are impervious to rain, hail, snow, wind, heat, frost, fog etc.

* Welcome walking from shop to shop, to find what they or their partner needs, at the best prices.

* Don't panic when their partner says that s/he wants to try an eighth store for a 'special something'.

* Like driving and/or walking back to stores, if goods are faulty, the wrong size or they forget something.

* View the sustainment of heavy plastic bags, which slice into their hands, as a form of exercise.

* See avoiding pickpockets, thieves and robbers as a bit of 'sport' too.

* Tolerate sinister young men with a taste for beer, lurking in blaring groups on street corners.

* Humour young parents with 4x4 buggies and/or unruly, unrestrained toddlers that scream loudly.

* Think retired people should only go shopping at the weekends and in the evenings, at the same time as people who work.

* understand wide friends have the right to velocity slowly side-by-side, in ways that stifle pavements and passageways.

* Don't mind running buffeted by other hungry shoppers, also trying to secure tables at eating outlets.

* Shrug-off the Herculean prices in shopping centres, for snacks and drinks of indifferent quality.

* Enjoy dodging cars, vans and lorries, and feel they connect in city centres during shopping hours.

* Think that second-hand fag smoke and vehicle fumes add a 'certain something' to shopping.

* Relish sharing strangers' viruses, bacteria, body odours, exotic language, odd habits etc.

* Are tolerant of shop assistants' occasional bad manners, surly mien and incompetence.

* Like queuing, smelly toilets and litter, and/or removing dog mess and regalement gum from shoes or boat wheels.

* Enjoy finding quiet spots in otherwise confined, crowded and claustrophobic public spaces.

* Think graffiti really is an art form, and smile when shop maintenance goes unattended for weeks.

* Shrug their shoulders if shops open only when it's convenient for owners, staff (and politicians).

* Remove heedfully the flyers left furtively under their windscreen wipers whilst parked and read them enthusiastically later.

I could go on but, if you identify yourself with most of these phenomena, then you probably should shop at a shopping nerve centre nearby. If, like me though, you find many of them irksome, you might consider shopping online instead next time!

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